I read a recent blog post on a gossip site about singer K. Michelle's allegations against Toya's current husband and K's former boyfriend/ business partner, Memphitz, on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. She clearly stated for the world that Memphitz was abusive and stole her money. The blogger ended her post questioning whether or not a person can be that much different with someone else than they were with you. She referenced that she (the blogger) knew both Memphitz and Toya socially and she didn't see any indications that he may be the horrible person that K. Michelle described. Can you really be different based on the person that you are involved with at the time?
I think most definitely different people bring out different things in us. A big part of love is chemistry and that personality mix. The old saying speaks of having "someone that brings out the best in you" and I think that in a lot of small ways you can indeed be better with a different partner. This is one of the big lessons Facebook snooping has taught us. The loser, awful person that you eventually got away from is the same person now talking love, wedding rings, baby pics and romantic nights with someone new. It is entirely possible that we are not a perfect match for absolutely everyone that crosses our path.
However, I do also think we have core behaviors that if not fixed -- can be carried into every relationship that you are in. I think if a person is a liar, cheat or abusive and they have proven to be this way with several relationships then more than likely those things will not change without some sort of outside intervention or deep drive to be different. These heavy hitting issues if not addressed may bounce off or affect a new lover in a different way, but are often still present. They may not cheat at the same rate with a new lover, they may exchange physical abuse for mental abuse or instead of stealing money directly they may just control career moves and indirectly control money flow. I am a huge believer that people only do what we allow them to do to us and often that is why someone who was absolutely the "wrecker" of your life can move on to be the "hero" in another person's.
So in the end I will not say that the blogger is wrong in possibly questioning K. Michelle's accusations against Memphitz. The truth is he may be completely different with Toya than he was with K. Michelle. However, I will caution her to also keep in mind that people often hide the true nature of their relationships and that "public" love can sometimes differ from "private" reality and the only person that can say whether or not K. Michelle may be blowing up her past love for publicity is Toya because she really is the only one who knows who her man is today.
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
Five nights a week I host the Baltimore/DC region's #1 late night radio relationship show -- The Love Zone on 92Q (92.3 FM). I have had so much fun doing the show and I am excited every night to see what type of naughty behavior we can can get into.
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
So much has been made of a lot of the reality shows that feature black women and how they make us seem angry, confrontational and classless. Over the last few months shows have been boycotted, advertising dropped and all sorts of suits filed in an effort to get better portrayals of black women on TV. While I get the huge upset over some of the activities on these shows; I have to be honest and say that as a black woman I don't really feel that these shows tell my story or greatly change the way people view black women.
Unfortunately I have been battling all my adult life the stereotype of the angry, aggressive and disrespectful black woman and these shows in my opinion are not breaking us (black women) down, but are more so showing the "version" of the black woman that the world wants you to see and accept. I think we are falling for the trick. We are drinking the punch that the magazines, blogs and morning talk shows want you to drink up --- black women are a mess to deal with.
Here is my truth:
I can tell you that I have never thrown a drink on another woman, pulled her wig/weave, thrown a bottle or felt the need to cuss a woman out on any level in the streets and absolutely never ever over any man. Also, I have never ever seen my friends demonstrate any of these behaviors. Most of my friends are in pretty decent relationships with the fathers of their children and even if not currently with their child's father they have worked on developing a friendly/ civil relationship for the benefit of the kids. I am around women that respect their men and love them and the guys give the same back. Their relationships and lives are not perfect, but instead of acting the fool at home or randomly popping off -- they have great families to advise them, supportive friends or they go and lay on a professional's couch if needed. My friends live in beautiful homes, vacation well, have designer things and still are able remain normal and humble about what they have been fortunate to work hard for and acquire.
What in the end I am trying to say is that I look at Basketball Wives, RHOA, Love & Hip Hop and other shows in this genre as entertainment. Are there situations and women like this? Absolutely! However, the same way we looked at shows like The Cosby Show, The Parkers, A Different World and more in the past and knew that all black people didn't live and act this way; we shouldn't let the term "reality" make us think that a particular show defines all of us.
I have been approached for "reality" shows to be in the "role" of a friend to people I never would ever in real life cross paths with. Producers are on the hunt for the right mix of people and drama to lead to ratings success. Reality shows are very rarely real. We have to be careful that we don't forget in criticizing these shows that they are simply entertainment options and not deep character studies or documentaries that provide factual data/info on black women's lives.
So while I am not a HUGE fan of some of these shows, I do catch them on occasion just to know what people are talking about, but for me I prefer the portrayals of black women on shows that are closer to who I am today: professional, educated, fun, sexy and happy with a focus on family. You cannot take any form of entertainment too seriously and you certainly cannot take all entertainment as absolute fact. A TV image cannot make or break my self-worth and frankly I am insulted that the media seems to think my sense of self as a black woman can be dictated and shaped by a cable network.
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
The blogs have been filled with pictures of Tracey Edmonds with Deion Sanders at several family and charity events. This is causing a few eyebrows to be raised because she was named in Deion's divorce as a possible factor by Deion's wife Pilar. It would seem on the surface that Tracey has an extensive history of dating wealthy and influential men in order to gain exposure, but instead of hating on her like many of the blogs have been doing lately I actually applaud her for knowing what she wants and pursuing it.
I am probably one of the few women that will admit that I see nothing wrong with a woman pursuing a man who is wealthy or powerful for her own gain. Personally, I think these relationships have a layer of honesty that most "normal" relationships lack. Wealthy dude knows why you are there and chooses to accept it. He rarely if ever is an unknowing victim in this situation. The woman also is pretty clear in her reason for pursuing love and she has established that what she brings to the table --- her beauty -- comes at a high price.
The truth is, all relationships have some degree of "trade-off" where a person fills in those things in your life that you crave. Money is one of those things that can be added to other more common "trade-offs" like a great job, benefits, a nice car, owning a home, smart, nice hair, good teeth, great family and more that people never admit to being the real reason why they are with a person. We just seem to view beauty and money as the dirty trade-offs in love and that is crazy to me!
When entering into any relationship you have to be honest about why you are there. Masking your real motives with "love" never ever works because at the first relationship bump in the road your true motivation is revealed. If you don't believe me, bookmark any of the recent celebrity unions and then check back in five years and see how many of these "so in love" couples are now splitting and talking about the lack of support for the kids, lump sum payments, millions awarded or hidden assets. Even in "normal relationships" where there was so much love you will find couples getting ugly over houses, bank accounts, pensions, health insurance and more. It is eventually revealed what was really valued in the union. You will be wondering --- what happened to the love?
I would rather two people be honest from the get go about their end game. So if the Tracey Edmonds of the world want to only deal with wealthy and influential men, I see nothing wrong with it because the guys know this and they move forward anyway with the relationships. Both sides see the other coming and and they know what lies ahead.
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
I was on facebook yesterday and a friend posted a status on "what would you go back and tell your 16 yr old self?" I loved it!
Often I ponder what I would have done then if I only knew the things I now know about life and of course love. So of course I wanted to take a spin with a few things that I would go back and tell my teen self about love if I was given the opportunity:
There Is No "One"
So much is made of finding the one, but personally I don't think there is one great fit for any of us. Life is fluid and I think if you are lucky early on you meet someone who is a match at that time in your life that is willing to grow and change with you over the years. However, for most of us the "one" takes the form of the best one for that particular stage in life. I believe that there are people that really are an ideal fit for you, but there is not just one --- forever. That simply doesn't seem fair.
You Will Get Over It
Love can disappoint, hurt and end and you will with time move on. Not that you forget that person totally or forget what you shared it is just that with time it won't affect you quite as much. We are truly adaptive when it comes to love.
Enjoy the Experience
There are few things more pleasureful then the early days of a great love. Getting to know one another, discovering each other and simply just having fun are the things that can't be recreated in a long-term relationship. Instead of worrying so much about where everything is headed --- just enjoy the journey.
Diversify
Date many different people and enjoy the sport of trying on new cultures, interests and backgrounds. Don't just do what is expected -- do what excites and intrigues you.
Mom Sometimes is Right
If she doesn't like him, more than likely he is not the guy for you. Accept that her years on the planet have taught her a bit about bad apples and sometimes take her advice.
Bask in Your Dad's Love
A girl needs her daddy and whenever possible she needs to work on building a relationship with dad that is her own. Having a relationship with dad allows a woman to see herself through the eyes of a man who wants absolutely nothing from her but her happiness and it makes it far easier for her to see that same good heart in other men.
Pick a Partner Not Just a Lover
Know that love while it is passionate and pleasureful is also grounded in building a future. It is great that he can do all sorts of craziness in the bedroom, but all the passion and tricks do very little for you when you are trying to pay bills, raise children, negotiate work/home balance and simply be happy on a daily basis. Be passionate about a great partner!
LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .
