Do You Have to Claim the Step Kids?

A blogger on a gossip site went in on Jada Pinkett Smith for referring to her stepson as her "bonus kid" instead of simply as "her son" in a recent tweet.  The blogger went on to place Tiny on a pedestal for her way of saying "her kids" and not making a distinction between T.I.'s kids from a prior relationship, her daughter from a prior relationship and their children together.  This blogger seemed to feel that if you make a distinction between your biological kids and your step kids then you must be a bad step parent. 

I totally disagree with this.  I think on the surface people try to play at the whole "we are one" approach to his, mine and ours, but the truth is that it is not all the same when it comes to other people's children and your own and it takes an honest and self-actualized person to admit that while I may like or care for your kids --- I feel stronger for my own and it is not "all the same" when it comes to the step kids.

Before you jump into claiming the step kids as your own you should consider a few things:

How active is the ex in their child's life?

If biological mom/dad is active and a big part of your step kid's life, then sweeping in and being "super parent" can be offensive and highly unnecessary.  On the other side, if the biological parent is not active yet is highly respected by the child, you still can run into problems trying to fill a void.  Be the best partner to the parent and take your cues from the child on how and when to get involved.

What are your partner's expectations?

Often we assume that our partners want us to help when that may not always be the case.  Have a conversation prior to blending the family about expectations when it comes to your partner's kids.  You may be surprised at how little or how much you will be expected to contribute.

Are you going to be able to maintain this level of interest in your step kids when you have your own children with your partner?

This one is important.  You cannot come into a relationship as "super parent" and then back it down when your own children start to arrive.  Think early on about the level of energy that will have to be maintained once your own children start to arrive and try to keep things consistent.

 

and most important .... What relationship does the step kid want to have with you?

I am amazed at how many people enter into these relationships where step kids are involved and never once think about or talk to the step kids about what they want out of the whole deal.  You may be thinking that you are suppose to be a mentor or fill-in parent when really all they want is for you to make their parent happy and  be a good friend.  Take the time to define a relationship that works well on both sides.

Jada can have a bonus kid if she wants and frankly I think it is a more honest way of approaching the whole step parenting thing.  She has chosen to define her own relationship with her stepson in a way that her children have a place and he has his. The kids get the benefit of her love and encouragement in ways that as a family they have determined for themselves.  Not a forced family definition, but one that works for them. On what level can that ever be wrong??

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .