TV Clip: Sleeping w/ Your Dead Lover's Twin

Do You Have to Claim the Step Kids?

A blogger on a gossip site went in on Jada Pinkett Smith for referring to her stepson as her "bonus kid" instead of simply as "her son" in a recent tweet.  The blogger went on to place Tiny on a pedestal for her way of saying "her kids" and not making a distinction between T.I.'s kids from a prior relationship, her daughter from a prior relationship and their children together.  This blogger seemed to feel that if you make a distinction between your biological kids and your step kids then you must be a bad step parent. 

I totally disagree with this.  I think on the surface people try to play at the whole "we are one" approach to his, mine and ours, but the truth is that it is not all the same when it comes to other people's children and your own and it takes an honest and self-actualized person to admit that while I may like or care for your kids --- I feel stronger for my own and it is not "all the same" when it comes to the step kids.

Before you jump into claiming the step kids as your own you should consider a few things:

How active is the ex in their child's life?

If biological mom/dad is active and a big part of your step kid's life, then sweeping in and being "super parent" can be offensive and highly unnecessary.  On the other side, if the biological parent is not active yet is highly respected by the child, you still can run into problems trying to fill a void.  Be the best partner to the parent and take your cues from the child on how and when to get involved.

What are your partner's expectations?

Often we assume that our partners want us to help when that may not always be the case.  Have a conversation prior to blending the family about expectations when it comes to your partner's kids.  You may be surprised at how little or how much you will be expected to contribute.

Are you going to be able to maintain this level of interest in your step kids when you have your own children with your partner?

This one is important.  You cannot come into a relationship as "super parent" and then back it down when your own children start to arrive.  Think early on about the level of energy that will have to be maintained once your own children start to arrive and try to keep things consistent.

 

and most important .... What relationship does the step kid want to have with you?

I am amazed at how many people enter into these relationships where step kids are involved and never once think about or talk to the step kids about what they want out of the whole deal.  You may be thinking that you are suppose to be a mentor or fill-in parent when really all they want is for you to make their parent happy and  be a good friend.  Take the time to define a relationship that works well on both sides.

Jada can have a bonus kid if she wants and frankly I think it is a more honest way of approaching the whole step parenting thing.  She has chosen to define her own relationship with her stepson in a way that her children have a place and he has his. The kids get the benefit of her love and encouragement in ways that as a family they have determined for themselves.  Not a forced family definition, but one that works for them. On what level can that ever be wrong??

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .

Monday - 10/22 - Season 2 The Bill Cunningham Show

I am back!!! So happy to be at it again as a Relationship Expert for The Bill Cunningham Show. Check me out on Monday, October 22nd nationally on your local CW affiliate. For local affiliate info visit www.thebillcunninghamshow.com.

Wyclef Has Lost His Damn Mind!

This picture was released by Wyclef to celebrate his 43rd birthday and all I can say is WTH!  I get your point brother, you are fit and probably look and feel better than you did 20 years ago, but damn. There are no women in your life or professional reps that could have stopped this oiled up display of midlife crisis.  A comment on another blog summed up general female response to the pic "we didn't love you 20 yrs ago because you were sexy, but because you made great music. Go oil up your music to rejuvenate your career and then we will get excited again!"

Look, there is nothing wrong with celebrating over 40 hotness, but over 40 hotness is strikingly different from 20 year old bravado.  Wyclef, at this age what women want to see from you is a fit and handsome man in a suit, talking about his love for his family, career success and a wonderful smile in a major magazine spread --- i.e. Blair Underwood, Denzel Washington, the AllState Guy (I can't ever remember his name :)) What you are doing here is something someone far below your pay grade and career success would do on the come up trying to impress a chick he just met at the mall.

Happy Birthday Wyclef and go put some darn clothes on. I like you better that way.

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .

Give Rihanna a Pass

Chris Brown wants that old thing back and Rihanna seems to be letting him in.  Chris has dumped his girlfriend and is no longer creeping to see and contact Rihanna.  They are partying and hanging out happily in public and the blogs have been on fire about it. 

Ever since Rihanna admitted to Oprah that no matter what violence may have occurred in their relationship that she still loved Chris; the world has been on her about the ridiculousness of wanting to be back with someone who hurt her.  Many want her to think of her young fans and the example she is setting -- that a man who hurts you is okay.  Rihanna isn't being the best role model in this situation, but what she is being is a typical young woman.

All of us have had tumultuous, crazy or ridiculous early relationships.  Your partner may not have hit you, but he/she may have lied continuously, been verbally abusive, unreliable or many other horrible things.  No matter what this person did you took them back because no matter the destruction that person handed out they were equally good at giving you moments of happiness that it felt at that time no other person could ever provide. 

It took time and maturity to get to the point where you saw that the bad stuff was taking its toll and it was time to move on, but you had to make that decision on your own when you were ready.  You may not admit it, but I can. I was dumb for love and I stayed in a bad thing much longer than I ever should have because when you are young and in love you always "believe" that you can be the one to make the situation change.

This guy I dated was the worst (drugs, momma's boy, couldn't keep a job etc.), but he was also crazy fun, the best at making up and the best at making me feel like no other.  He would cry or threaten to hurt himself when I broke things off and I was back in it. It didn't matter what my family or friends told me to do -- I only moved on after two years because he did something that was even too ridiculous for our ridiculous relationship (full story in my book Stripped Bare). I hit my drama wall and ended it for good. Not because people thought I should end it, but because I grew up and realized that it was never going to get better and I deserved more.

So let's give Rihanna pass.  She and Chris are both young and on some level they feel that they can work through these issues and still find a happy place.  Those of us that have made it over to other side know that the odds are against them working through this complicated love, but we get where that passion and draw is coming from.  Young love in many ways is stupid love --- wonderful in its innocence and also a bit combustible in that very same innocence. They are only doing what many of us did in our young adult stage and if we could make it through they will mature and make it through as well.

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .

Over 35 Mommies Rock!

Just this morning I was sitting on the floor with my 13 month old twin girls for about an hour wrapping and unwrapping a blanket around their heads so that they can be "shepherds."  They love it! I love it! This is one of many in the moment experiences that I have enjoyed with my girls. 

My first child is now 11 and while I had similar moments with him in my 20s -- as a new mommy they just didn't seem quite as "in the moment." I remember reading in my 20s all the articles and seeing all the talk show segments about the joys of being a mommy after 35 and thought much of it was simply women justifying their desire to wait to have kids, but the truth is that there is something sweeter about over 35 babies and here are a few of my reasons why:


I Know Time Moves Fast

Our first child was born eleven years ago and while we have a million pictures of his early years; a lot of it is hard for me to remember.  I enjoyed his firsts , but I did not savor them because I had a million other things to think about and also I knew some day we would have more children. 

My son's first years were filled with books and articles on stages and me racing around buying toys, books and videos that would push us to the next stage and hopefully have him surpass them. When I think of my son the time went so fast and I now know that there is nothing more important than the moment I am in now. I am in the moment with my kids today instead obsessing over what comes next.


My Waist Is Not My First Thought

In my 20s it was all about popping my son out and getting back to my original shape in one week.  I was dieting and working out as soon as I got the green light from my doctor. There was this huge pressure to be a mom, but not look like one.

In my 30s with my girls I took the time to really recover and appreciate all the extra help and support that my husband, son, doctor and family were able to offer. While I do want to lose the "twin mommy" body; I now know that it takes a while for your body to snap back after pregnancy and that while I want the best body I can have --- there is far more to being attractive, interesting and healthy then just what stares back at you in the mirror.

A hot mom is a happy mom and while you will catch me at the corner store looking crazy trying to grab a last minute pack of diapers. I know that I am more than able to kick the ponytail and sweats to the curb for heels and a sexy dress for a night out. I am both frump and hottie and I am okay with that -- that is my life. I am more comfortable in my skin today and I know that sex appeal is more of a reflection of how you feel about yourself and not a waist measurement.


I Am What I Wanted to Be

Getting back to work was paramount for me in my 20s. I felt that the two months that I was out I was losing ground and that being a new mommy was going to slow my growth. In my 30s I have done many of the things that I wanted to do. Also, I know that what is meant for me is meant for me and that taking a few weeks off to be with my new babies is not going to tank me. There is no big career/family struggle for me.  The decision is easy --- I choose my family.  I can find another job or opportunity. My family is not replaceable.


I Trust My Decisions

I was never really around babies growing up so my experience with my son in my 20s was really shocking for me.  I didn't know a lot of the basics of taking care of a baby and I really relied on books, articles and advice to get me through.  Even with a lot of info I still second guessed everything. 

When I went against traditional beliefs -- no pacifier and stopping breastfeeding because I found it more stressful than beneficial; I was sometimes close to tears having to defend my decisions regarding my son to others.  I thought I was doing my best , but I was never sure and very few people did much to affirm my choices.

Ten years later with my girls I almost dare anyone to question my choices regarding their care.  I know that I am able to decide for myself what is right and run with it. I have done enough in my life on my own at this age that I know and trust what I think is best.


My Team is the Best

Twenty year old LaDawn wanted to do it all on her own perfectly.  I didn't want or need any help from anyone.  People were waiting in the wings to babysit, bring supplies and simply be there when I needed support, but I wanted none of it.  Back then I felt taking the help meant that I was not a good mom and incapable of taking on the challenge.

Now in my 30s I know that taking help does not mean that I can't do it, but that there are people in my life that care enough to be part of my children's lives. I welcomed all the great surprise supply deliveries, arms willing to come by for a few hours to hold the babies and family that would take my calls and texts to talk about anything other than babies at all hours. I am still very type A when it comes to my kids, but in my 30s I can now take a step back and allow others to step in and give mom a bit of room to breathe.


I Can Give And Get

In my 30s I can strike a balance between taking care of my babies and taking care of me. I know now that taking a few hours to read gossip, get my beauty game up or simply lay in the bed is not going to hurt my children, but will go a long way in keeping mom sane. 

I give a lot to my kids all day long and I know that I can't give to them if I do not fill up for myself on occasion. Mommy is still a person. In my 20s it was all or nothing situation where I gave so much that I placed myself on the back burner to get it all done or to satisfy other's expectations.  Striking a balance is hard but it is necessary in order to keep everyone happy. I deserve to maintain my sense of self  outside of being a mom because life is fluid with many changes and it is important that I am able to grow and flow into my next stage.

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and media personality. Cocoa Mommalicious is her forum for sharing tales from the mommy lines, love lines and life lines. For more information visit www.ladawnblack.com .